Helping Children with Grief
Parents and caregivers often worry about how to help children cope with death. How do you explain the loss? How do you support them? How much should you protect them? Children are remarkably resilient and can often teach us valuable lessons about handling grief.
Use gentle but clear language. Avoid using phrases like “She went on a long trip,” “He went to sleep,” or “He passed away,” as these can create confusion or fears, such as believing the deceased might return or that sleep is dangerous. Children may fill in unanswered questions with their own, often unsettling, ideas – like believing the loved one left because of something they did or said. Be honest, but don’t overcomplicate: “He was very sick, and the doctors did everything they could to help,” or “She died in a car accident.” Children will ask for more details when they are ready to process them.
Sometimes adults, to protect children, unintentionally convey that tears are wrong. If a child never sees anyone grieve, they might feel like their loved one is not missed or was not loved. Let them know that crying is a natural part of loss.
Children need to say good-bye. Excluding them from wakes and funerals can send the wrong message. Consider the child’s age and understanding when deciding how to involve them. Forcing a child to participate in an open casket funeral or speak at a service can be just as harmful as not giving them the opportunity if they wish to participate.
Often, they will regress to younger behaviors – thumb sucking, bed wetting, whining, or having temper tantrums – to communicate their needs to adults. This is a normal attempt to return to a “safer time” and signals that they need extra love and assurance. Sometimes, children may appear emotionless, continuing to play and act as though nothing has happened. This “dosing” of emotion helps them avoid feeling overwhelmed by the pain of losing someone. It’s important to avoid shaming a child by telling them to “act their age” or “be a big girl/strong little man.”
Acknowledging the death and transitioning from present-tense language to past-tense or memory-based language is part of the grieving process. This shift helps to reassure the child that the positive, loving memories do not alter the relationship they had with their loved one.
These individuals play an important role in the child’s life and can provide additional support. Open lines of communication will also help determine if the child needs extra support. Seek guidance from others if counseling may benefit the child and family.
Children are resilient and can teach adults a great deal about handling grief. With support, love, and clear, age-appropriate language, a child can navigate their grief in a healthy way.
Other resource(s) to help parents: https://www.widowedparent.org/